Wedding belles!

A couple of months ago, I wrote a profile for a matrimonial website. No, it was not for myself and shame on anyone who thought otherwise. It was for a friend. To be fair to her, she never really asked me to write it. She’d told me that she had put up the profile but she also said that she wasn’t entirely happy with it. Thereafter, each time we discussed her profile and the responses she’d been getting, I got the feeling that she wanted to ask me to rewrite it but was feeling shy to say as much. So, I volunteered to do it for her and she agreed. So, that was that.

She’s had a pretty good response so far...at least, as far as numbers go. Frighteningly large numbers, actually. There has also been many an interesting ‘candidate’ but nothing’s been quite there yet, if you know what I mean. Actually, not just not quite there but nothing even close. Not by a long shot. As she says, then, there must be some truth to the lament that all the good men are either taken or gay. (What that says about un-taken and un-gay people like myself is something we’ll discuss...never!)

Having written the first couple of lines some time back, I had consigned this post to the backburner. Maybe I was waiting for inspiration to strike. But, the problem with inspiration is that she doesn’t come my way very often, if ever at all. Besides, I doubt she has my address. Which is perhaps why I have many half-written posts lying strewn around, all over the place. Anyway, what got this post going again was something that one blogger is currently facing and the questions another is expecting to be asked at an upcoming wedding. Of course, they’re both in completely different situations. While the former, Sonia, has put up this post about it and is feeling rather oppressed about the pressure she is facing, the latter can laugh about it. Then, there’s my other friend, with her profile on a matrimonial website, who’s putting unnecessary pressure on herself to get married.

What’s with all this marriage business anyway? Don’t get me wrong...I think it’s a good thing. But so is bungee jumping and, just as there will be people who’re squeamish about hurling themselves down from unnerving heights, one ankle tied to a tenuous rope, there are others who’re unconvinced about the idea of marriage. They’d rather go jump. So, why can’t we let them be? Then there are others who, as you’d expect from nervous first-timers, need time to gather all their courage before they take the plunge. Why must we rush them?

I’m convinced that this whole fuss around marriage owes itself to conditioning. Growing up, we watch everyone around us obsessing over marriages in our immediate and extended families and imbibe that we must be married by a certain age. We learn that marriage is as much a necessary milestone to be crossed as vaccination. We observe that those who remain unmarried, perhaps like a distant uncle and the neighbourhood spinster, often become the object of ridicule. Just as with our choice of career, then, the decision to get married is taken early in life. Because we find that everyone gets married! In fact, like a good job, marriage becomes one of our cherished goals in life, albeit at a more subliminal level.

Coming from me, this may seem odd because I’ve never been married but, really, I think a lot of us have lost track of what marriage really means. We seem to have forgotten that marriage is a matter of personal choice and not some obligation that we have to fulfill. One shouldn’t get married because one has to, or is expected to, but because one wants to. You have to first meet someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, hope to hell that s/he also wants to be with you, and then think about getting married. The arranged marriage concept, on the other hand, works on the reverse principle...you or your parents decide that it’s time for you to get married, after which the mighty search for a bride/groom begins. I have nothing against this concept and I’m not one to judge those who opt for it...as long as no one is forced into it. If it works for someone, why not? My oldest friend, in fact, has had an arranged marriage...well, sort of...and seems none the worse for it. But, unfortunately, not everyone is allowed a say in what has to be one of the most crucial decisions in life. It’s when people are forced into unwilling alliances that I cannot pretend I understand. In the name of culture and tradition, I’m afraid, we’ve allowed a lot of crap to clog our brains. As a result, hypocrisy and false pride have sent countless unfortunate souls into miserable marriages. And, I fail to understand how that is any better than remaining single.

And, while I’m still playing this Mr. Know-all, let me also add that, I think, there’re just as many problems with what we call love marriages, as there are with the arranged ones. Almost all of us desire companionship and most of us, if we can help it, wouldn’t want to be alone all our lives. For many, in fact, the thought of being alone is unbearable, if not downright scary. It’s an insidious desire this, to be with someone. It is so overwhelming, and often so bloody tempting, that it blinds us to reason and logic and, indeed, to the very requirements of a long-term association. We dispense with the essentials and, confusing the initial flush of enthusiasm for the real thing, jump headlong into matrimony. The consequences, unfortunately, are disastrous for everyone concerned.

This brings me back to my friend, for whom, I must confess, I worry sometimes. She’s quite good looking and clever, works in a senior position in a large organisation and earns an obscene amount of money, has travelled far and wide, often to places that many will have trouble locating on a map and, generally, has a lot going for her. However, when it comes to stuff like marriage, I’m amazed that she’s willing to make the kind of compromises she wouldn’t even dream of in her professional life. Besides, she won’t take any time off from work to relax, pursue an interest or socialise. She concedes that she isn’t allowing herself any opportunity to meet anyone but, as an excuse, will cite pressures of work and responsibilities as major stumbling blocks. While I can understand the need for companionship and the pain of loneliness, the attempt to fit someone into that need is beyond me. I keep telling her that it has to be the other way round and, incredibly, she agrees. Yet, she continues to make excuses for any ‘candidate’ who shows the slightest promise. Thankfully, she hasn’t done anything silly yet but for how long, I wonder.

Is this need so great that we’re willing to risk our entire lives to try and feed it? Okay, don’t answer that. Sure, the need is real and great but should we be willing to satisfy it at any cost? Is the huge risk that it entails worth it?

Why do parents force unwilling daughters into alliances that may be doomed from the start? The only plausible answer that I can muster up is their fear of being branded irresponsible. After all, an unmarried daughter means that, in the eyes of the world, they’ve failed to fulfill their primary responsibility as the parents of a girl. Oh, and then there’s that thing about the glorious Indian tradition! Never mind if the poor girl is crying herself hoarse, protesting and dead set against the marriage.

Anyway, I have only one more thing to say but, I’m afraid, I’ll have to borrow the wonderful words of the wonderful Leonard Cohen: Take the only tree that’s left and shove it up the hole in your culture!