Thoughts and other trivia...

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

I'm on the Expressway, sitting in one of those large Volvo buses, travelling from Pune to Bombay. This has become something of a well-established pattern now, going first to Pune, staying for the weekend, and then on to Bombay. In Pune, I don't go out much, spending most of the time at home with my friend and his wife and kids.But, each time, my friend does take me out to play golf, which I don't understand much but enjoy a lot anyway. It usually means having to get up at 5 in the morning but the good time we have on the golf course usually makes up for the hassle of getting up at that godforsaken hour. This time, however, being in the state of mind I'm in, the effort seemed too much for me to make and something I didn't feel particularly inclined towards.

This time I stayed for two extra days and even went out a lot more. Yet, I can't say that I had the greatest time in Pune but when you're meeting after three months, and when there are two small kids around, you don't get much time, or even the opportunity, to brood over your troubles.

By not responding to, or even acknowledging, the various comments that so many of you have left against my last post, I didn't mean to be rude. Or ungrateful. I really appreciate the effort that all of you made and the trouble you took to offer solutions, advice, encouragement and, generally, kind words. I truly appreciate it. Thank you.

It's probably an indication of how I'm feeling these days but, clearly, I failed to describe the scenario accurately. Let me try again, although I'm not sure how many of you will want to read the same old crib tale again. But that's okay. Truth be told, I'm still hoping that writing, somehow, will help me unravel the complexity of my situation...or, at least, what seems like a complicated situation to me.

The last post was not about my inability to handle my broken relationship. It was not about not being to let go, either of the situation or of the person. For all my shortcomings, I know that it takes two to make a relationship. Mine, I know, ended the day it ended. It took me a long time to accept, and deal with, the fact that she's not coming back. But, essentially, anyone who has had the misfortune of having his/her relationship coming undone, has to come to terms with the break-up and move on. Or, if unable to move on, if moving on means getting into a new relationship after a reasonable amount of time has passed, at least to accept the reality of his or her situation and live with it.

I cannot move on in that sense, I know. Not only because of the nature of the relationship we had, especially in the last few months before the break-up, but also due to the fact that I still don't know why it happened. So, for me, moving on was, and remains, rather unlikely. However, I had learned to accept the reality of the situation a long time ago. I had learned to live with it a long time ago.

Perhaps I didn't make it clear in the last post but, eventually, she got married and moved out of Bombay. A long time ago. And, in a wierd sort of way, if you've had a good relationship, what helps you cope with the break-up is the knowledge, or belief, that at least she is happy with whatever she has moved on to. All this time, I have been under the impresion that she is happy. The belief may not have been based on definite knowledge or hard facts but the absence of any news, somehow, suggested that all is well. And, as I said, in a strange sort of way, that was enough for me. Well, you look for straws to clutch at, don't you?

This brings me to the discovery I mentioned in my last post - her poem on a poetry site. Like I said, she's not a poet. She doesn't write poems for the heck of it, or just because it strikes her fancy to do so. As much as I've known her, the rare one she has written has always been an expression of her feelings. And that is the problem. If this poem is also an expression of what she is curently feeling, and I have no reason to believe otherwise, she cannot be truly happy. You may argue that I am overreacting and reading into the situation what I want to read. That it is a case of wishful thinking. But I don't think so.

Because, it is perfectly alright, and human, for you to be happily married and still look back at your past relationship/s with a certain fondness. If you haven't been in a particularly nasty relationship, and if it hasn't left you scarred, I think you are more than likely to carry some of those memories with you. Because you've given so much of yourself to that relationship for so many years, it's only natural that it should stay with you...even when you have moved on to better things, to a better relationship. To my mind, it cannot be otherwise. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say that to not recall the happy times you've had with another person would be unnatural.

This is what has been so hard for me to deal with. What I feel now makes the pain of the broken relationship seem like a walk in the park. Because this means a loss and waste of time. This means a complete and utter waste of life.

And, what makes matters worse, if that were possible, is that there's nothing I can do about it. Because for all my insistence and firm belief, I cannot say for a fact that what I believe is true. Because she is still married. Because I cannot disrupt her life only to find out the truth. And, yet, I cannot deal with the situation as it stands now. I cannot deal with what, I believe, is staring me in the face.

This not knowing is killing.


Blogger sattva said...

gotj, i disagree that there's nothing u can do about it. one can always do something to change one's situation, but one may not want to make the trade-offs necessary. there will be pain either way...

7:48 pm  
Blogger sattva said...

and anon - perhaps it may have been discreet on your part to not put up the weblink of the girl concerned. you found her identity, but need not have shared it.

7:49 pm  
Blogger Fingers said...

Be well...

8:27 pm  
Blogger Ash said...

anon: that was not necessary even though she might not be the person. But this is not my space so I will shut up.
gotj: take care buddy and hope my city (Pune) treated you well :)

9:47 pm  
Blogger km said...

Closure, like shit, happens ;)

11:45 pm  
Blogger Selma Mirza said...

Anonymous, had you really meant well, you would have emailed Ghost!! I am soo pissed off at you, whoever you are. You must understand you are dealing with *real* people here and their lives might get affected even as you are cloaked in anonymity.

Ash, this may not be our space, but ofcourse we can voice our opinions here, what are comment boxes for!? :-)

2:33 am  
Blogger wildflower seed said...

I admire the way you open your heart out.....(sorry, no words of wisdom to offer, only a token of appreciation).

3:40 am  
Blogger Patient Portnoy said...

GOTJ: As I said in my last comment, am amazed at how you can trust your readers. Call her, it always helps, at least to put off the obsessive yearning phase for a couple of months

8:04 am  
Blogger Patient Portnoy said...

anon: Why do that, esp when the guy is already so sad? No, we don't expect you not to google for it but we expect you not to publicise your results. Why couldn't you mail it to Tom? Or don't you know where to find his ID? And if it's so important to brag about your googling skills, COME UP WITH A FUCKING NAME, YOU COWARD

Tom: Ignore this person. To give him/her his/her dues, I'm sure that after two such beautiful posts, you can't expect people not to be curious.
If it helps:
(1) Take it as praise for the amount of curiosity your posts have inspired
(2) We'll read her poem, and we'll all spend a minute on it. But we won't think of you any differently, y'know. We'll go our ways, and forget this in the day's humdrum

Hugs :-) Work hard. And give us a picture of the expressway. Never been on it

8:14 am  
Anonymous chandni said...

GOTJ: *hugs*
Be well. I know its difficult to beleive at this point...but somethings are better not known. Just try and live life as usual..the unsettling itch will pass...that's the best option.

Anon: Same as above comments. It was a unthoughtful move.

others: Cmon guys...Anon meant well I am sure...there can be hundreds like him/her who wud google it...and his warning will help, right? Just that it was foolish of him to display it here. But dont be so hard on him/her...

8:55 am  
Blogger Shivangi said...

I have a sinking feeling your post is my future... Hope the best for you buddy.

6:02 pm  
Blogger Tabula Rasa said...

ghost my friend,
are you sure you're over this woman? because you protest too much. and before this, you suppressed too much. for your sake as well as hers, you should look in the mirror and be honest with yourself.

and i disagree with those who say you should contact her. don't do it before you figure your end out. no outsider can ever accurately guess whether a relationship is working or not, and it's not your place to rescue this lady from her supposed sadness.

a little well-intentioned opinion, that's all.

7:37 pm  
Blogger A fool on the hill said...

The expressway and and the blog title reminded me of these lines:
The highway is alive tonight
But nobody's kiddin' nobody about where it goes

That one goes for you...

1:20 am  
Blogger Manjari said...

take care dude. there is nothing much i can do to cheer you one can. just remember a friend is here...a friend has come back.

12:17 am  
Blogger cactusjump said...

hello :)

6:12 pm  
Blogger ~River~ said...

Perhaps you should just move on and stop thinking about her (I know, I'm contradicting myself. I said something entirely different in my last comment).

Tell yourself that she was trying on a persona when she wrote that poem.

Take care.

5:43 pm  
Blogger Ash said...

dude where are you? Are you ok?
I miss your posts :(

10:57 am  
Blogger the-think said...

but the again, what would one without any of these relationships...

3:53 am  
Blogger Patient Portnoy said...


10:48 pm  
Anonymous Ph said...

Finally I can comment here and you are not posting. All ok?

6:38 am  
Blogger Ajay said...

Id just like to tell you one thing.
Life is too short to be sulking and hurting. It is too fragile to be spent on past tears and fears.
It is a delicate bud, which should be nurtured with hope and love.
A time will come when the Sun will shine, and the icy winds will cease to moan. The breeze will tickle your soul.
Love will surround and happiness will reside. ..
And then you will look back and laugh at these times...
trust my words. Pain is certainly not permanent.
Cheer up Take Care

2:54 pm  

You have narated your situation and me reading it could not help but think of my past and what I do. I knwof or a fact that all the guys who liked me are over me and are happy that I am happy. It is indeed true. You become selfless when your relationship breaks. Atleast, it happens in some cases. But, if she is happy or not- What is your capacity to help. Will you reaching out to her and asking her and making her confess about the fact that she is unhappy be a possibility. even if does, What can do you further. We are not talking movies where you go and rescue etc...People always have reasons to be unhappy and if you cannot really do something about it witout offending anyone, I would suggest you just have to take it. Acceptance is the biggest step. Moving on is an option you have. And by moving on, it need not necessarily be moving on to another relationship. You move in so many arenas. Consider her to be a dandelion who was sitting in your palms and when the wind came she flew by gently....If you try to catch her, it would probably not be the best. Its hard, but let go, slowly let the dandelion glide away. Apologies if I have upset you!!

9:49 pm  
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