For a long time after we broke up, I used to wonder what is that one thing I would ask for if I were granted a wish. I could ask for all my subsequent wishes to be met, but that would be greedy (and, also destroy any chances of ever being granted a wish.) I could ask for a lot of money but that wouldn’t have made me happy, although it would’ve certainly made my life a lot more comfortable at that time. Or, I could ask for the one thing that I wanted most of all…to get my relationship back! I could ask to be allowed to go back in time, to one day before it broke down, and save my relationship. To do whatever I needed to do to make sure that, when she came back the next day, it wouldn’t be to tell me that we couldn’t be together any longer. For a long time, I held on to the belief that there was nothing more that I wanted in life.

I’ve always known that you cannot make someone want you. And, honestly, I never lost sight of this fact even in the depths of despair. That you cannot make someone want to be with you. If someone doesn’t want to be with you, tough luck, you just have to accept it and move on. Or, at least, pretend to. You can cry about it, literally or otherwise, but there’s little else that you can do. But then, to accept such a situation, one needs to attain closure. The problem is I still don’t know why we broke up. Each time we met after that, in the little time that we had together, she would be crying and I would be doing my best to get her to stop crying.

Maybe I should have been tough, as much with myself as with her. Maybe I should’ve just let her cry and said everything that I wanted to say. Maybe I should have insisted…because, after those few times, we just didn’t meet. And, it turned out to be the worst time of my life. It’s now embarrassing to even think about it but I cut myself off from the world, living a near secluded life. The only thing that I really wanted to do was to have my chance to speak, to be able to respond. I seemed to be living for that one chance to say everything that I had wanted to say to her. And, just so that I wouldn’t fail myself when I finally got that chance, I would keep repeating the long explanation in my head day and night. Because I didn’t know when I might be given that opportunity. Gradually, it became an obsession because, no matter where I was or what I was doing, this long monologue would be going on in my head all the time. It really assumed a life of its own. I would wake up in the middle of the night to find my mind still motoring away, still trying to tell my side of the story. Over and over again. I knew what was happening but I couldn’t seem to stop it. It was almost like sitting there and watching myself flirting with insanity and, sometimes, even going over the edge. But, funnily, it was in those moments of insanity that I first noticed this dramatic shift in terms of what I wanted from my wish. I realised that I was no longer obsessed with getting my relationship back, not on a conscious level at least. (Maybe I flatter myself. Maybe this was just a smart change of tactics to try and negotiate with the one above – or, is it below? – because s/he didn’t seem inclined to grant what I wanted so badly.) More than the relationship, I realised that I wanted an opportunity to say all that I had been carrying inside for so long. If I had been given a wish then, for sure, I wouldn’t have asked for a chance to go back in time to fix the problem. Instead, I would’ve asked for a day with her. To make her sit down and to just listen to me and all that I wanted to say to her. After that, if she still decided to go the other way, so be it. But, sadly, I never got my chance.

Circumstances being what they are now, I will never get my closure. But, I’m okay with that now. In all honesty, I can’t say that I have accepted the situation…and I don’t think I will ever be able to accept it completely…but I have moved on. (Or, I think I have.) I still have my bad moments and my bad days, which is when I write crap like this :-) but, largely, I think I’m okay.

Or, maybe I’m just bluffing and pretending to be so noble and all because I know that I’ll never be granted a wish. Maybe, then, it’s time for the powers that be to call my bluff and grant me that wish :-)

To this day, I wonder what I'd do with a wish. If I were granted just one wish, what would I ask for? I wonder what everyone else would ask for...