Thoughts and other trivia...

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

For a long time after we broke up, I used to wonder what is that one thing I would ask for if I were granted a wish. I could ask for all my subsequent wishes to be met, but that would be greedy (and, also destroy any chances of ever being granted a wish.) I could ask for a lot of money but that wouldn’t have made me happy, although it would’ve certainly made my life a lot more comfortable at that time. Or, I could ask for the one thing that I wanted most of all…to get my relationship back! I could ask to be allowed to go back in time, to one day before it broke down, and save my relationship. To do whatever I needed to do to make sure that, when she came back the next day, it wouldn’t be to tell me that we couldn’t be together any longer. For a long time, I held on to the belief that there was nothing more that I wanted in life.

I’ve always known that you cannot make someone want you. And, honestly, I never lost sight of this fact even in the depths of despair. That you cannot make someone want to be with you. If someone doesn’t want to be with you, tough luck, you just have to accept it and move on. Or, at least, pretend to. You can cry about it, literally or otherwise, but there’s little else that you can do. But then, to accept such a situation, one needs to attain closure. The problem is I still don’t know why we broke up. Each time we met after that, in the little time that we had together, she would be crying and I would be doing my best to get her to stop crying.

Maybe I should have been tough, as much with myself as with her. Maybe I should’ve just let her cry and said everything that I wanted to say. Maybe I should have insisted…because, after those few times, we just didn’t meet. And, it turned out to be the worst time of my life. It’s now embarrassing to even think about it but I cut myself off from the world, living a near secluded life. The only thing that I really wanted to do was to have my chance to speak, to be able to respond. I seemed to be living for that one chance to say everything that I had wanted to say to her. And, just so that I wouldn’t fail myself when I finally got that chance, I would keep repeating the long explanation in my head day and night. Because I didn’t know when I might be given that opportunity. Gradually, it became an obsession because, no matter where I was or what I was doing, this long monologue would be going on in my head all the time. It really assumed a life of its own. I would wake up in the middle of the night to find my mind still motoring away, still trying to tell my side of the story. Over and over again. I knew what was happening but I couldn’t seem to stop it. It was almost like sitting there and watching myself flirting with insanity and, sometimes, even going over the edge. But, funnily, it was in those moments of insanity that I first noticed this dramatic shift in terms of what I wanted from my wish. I realised that I was no longer obsessed with getting my relationship back, not on a conscious level at least. (Maybe I flatter myself. Maybe this was just a smart change of tactics to try and negotiate with the one above – or, is it below? – because s/he didn’t seem inclined to grant what I wanted so badly.) More than the relationship, I realised that I wanted an opportunity to say all that I had been carrying inside for so long. If I had been given a wish then, for sure, I wouldn’t have asked for a chance to go back in time to fix the problem. Instead, I would’ve asked for a day with her. To make her sit down and to just listen to me and all that I wanted to say to her. After that, if she still decided to go the other way, so be it. But, sadly, I never got my chance.

Circumstances being what they are now, I will never get my closure. But, I’m okay with that now. In all honesty, I can’t say that I have accepted the situation…and I don’t think I will ever be able to accept it completely…but I have moved on. (Or, I think I have.) I still have my bad moments and my bad days, which is when I write crap like this :-) but, largely, I think I’m okay.

Or, maybe I’m just bluffing and pretending to be so noble and all because I know that I’ll never be granted a wish. Maybe, then, it’s time for the powers that be to call my bluff and grant me that wish :-)

To this day, I wonder what I'd do with a wish. If I were granted just one wish, what would I ask for? I wonder what everyone else would ask for...


17 Comments:

Blogger Rat said...

If you dont mind me asking, how long back was this ?

10:29 am  
Blogger Accidental Fame Junkie said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:55 pm  
Blogger Accidental Fame Junkie said...

First of all, your in the healing phase and everything will work out soon. So don't overtly worry. I can't say don't worry because you WILL. The bad part is over and you will be okay. I know. I have been through it. It's the darkest hour and nothing holds meaning anymore but it WILL pass.

Secondly, I have fantasised about this ONE wish wish. And have no satisfactory answer. It's always been "make all of my wishes come true", which is dangerous because I could wish for something entirely stupid and waste it and get into a bigger mess than what I am in already. Such is life!

12:55 pm  
Blogger the-think said...

Sometimes i wonder if one really needs a day to relive memories and nurse half-healed wounds...
but you seem to be over the toughest phase, so its good :)
i'd ask for the ability to live and love only the present :)

4:20 pm  
Blogger Arthur Quiller Couch said...

You can't make anybody love you. The most you can do is stalk them and hope they either give in or shoot themselves. (How sensitive I am)

Some say Henry Fonda in the film added a new dimension to the book.

Earlier post - that "cow" essay is probably urban myth, like all the wisecracks that Bongs pass off as "responses by Subhash Chandra Bose in his Civil Services interview".

6:07 pm  
Blogger GhostOfTomJoad said...

rat: According to Rule # 13, section XII, sub-clause D in the Blogger's Manual, "Thou shalt not ask questions that may cause your fellow Blogger embarrassment or shame or lead to the redness of his/her face." :-) It was really a looonnng time ago

accidental fame junkie: You're right. But for an occasional bad day, things are fine. Thanks.

the-think: That's the trouble with memories...they sneak in :-)

Arthur Quiller Couch: Your concern is touching :-)

I'm not sure if Fonda added another dimension to the book but what I can say is that this was one film, can't readily recall another, which didn't disappoint after the novel.

Urban myth or not, who cares, but it's bloody funny, isn't it? :-)

10:03 pm  
Blogger Archster said...

The "maybe" (maybe I've got closure, maybe im not really over it, maybe ill feel this way forever) stage is quite a bitch.

1:38 pm  
Blogger 3rd world celebrity said...

thanks for dropping by my blog!

6:57 pm  
Blogger GhostOfTomJoad said...

archster: Well, maybe I've crossed the bitch state :-)

3rd world celeb: Thanks to you too!

10:52 pm  
Blogger Prerona said...

shalt not preach to thou ;)

sometimes, wanting is a bitch. sometimes, getting what u want is a bitch.

sometimes, i think, maybe, life is just about the ride; that life and love and all the wonders, are just another stage in the show.

nothing is as real as it sometimes feels. and nothing is fake. and i dont know any answers. but i'm sure enjoying the show. even when it breaks my heart and makes the tears fall like rain

7:50 pm  
Blogger Selma Mirza said...

Do you need a hug?

1:05 am  
Blogger GhostOfTomJoad said...

prerona: Sure, life is about the ride...just wish it weren't so bumpy. All I really wish for is some answers, some logic because, as human beings, we need to to be able to understand what is happening to, and around, us.

evenstar: Thanks, you're kind. Sometimes, we all need a hug.

2:35 pm  
Blogger Selma Mirza said...

You will be alright. No, you seem to be fine already, dear ghost :-)

8:37 pm  
Blogger GhostOfTomJoad said...

evenstar: Yes, I am. To reiterate, that was really a very nice thing to say. Thanks!

10:24 pm  
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1:38 am  
Blogger Monsoon said...

Hey!

I'm new to the blogging world! I have no idea how I landed on yours... But being 'new' myself, I thought I'd go back to your beginnings... and well, couldn't really stop myself from writing to you on reading this post [although I wonder whether you'd read a comment on a post from this far back in your own journey!]

As you say, closure is perhaps the most important thing in a relationship. A clean end. A clear end. And I realize that most of the times, the one who opts out or steps out has done so in their hearts long back. They've comfortably acquired their own closure. And perhaps, don't need to bother about the other one's...

Oh, I sound quite heartbroken, don't I? :-) Well, honestly, blogging was not quite 'the' thing when I was in a stage that you were in, when you wrote this. And today, I guess the closure pangs are as much behind me as they must be for you [Now, that's quite open-ended, na? ;-)]

Nice Blog! :-)

6:31 pm  
Blogger GhostOfTomJoad said...

Hi again Moonsoon!

If we can make sense of what has happened, it is relatively easier to accept things. Having said that, there's this line from a song I like...you must learn to rise above what you cannot control :-)

10:55 pm  

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