It’s better to have loved and lost rather than not having loved at all…

I’ve heard and read this about a million times. Maybe you’re familiar with it too. I don’t know about you but, if you ask me, it’s a rather daft observation. It may be alright for those Romantic heroes but in the real world, losing the person you love feels pretty much like a knife is being driven through your heart.

It’s been a long time now but the pain just doesn’t go away. An old photograph, a shared song, a particular smell, the wretched dreams…each feels like a stab in the chest. And then, there’re the letters. And the memories. How does one deal with memories? Because they have this nasty habit of creeping up on you unannounced, at the unlikeliest of moments…and ruining whatever it is that you’ve been doing! It’s better to have lost? My friggin’ foot!

"Be thankful you knew her at all…" says a song. I’m sorry, I cannot find any consolation in the fact that I knew her once. That we were in love. Not a day goes by when I don't think about her. And, each time, I can’t help wondering why. If it had to break up, why did it start at all? Why? Because, to begin with, it was a one in a million chance that we even met! We lived in different cities, had different backgrounds, no common friends…it was truly a miracle that we even came across each other. But that’s another story…

Of course, I would’ve been the poorer for not knowing her…I would’ve missed out on the absolutely wonderful times I’ve had with her. The point, however, is…am I any better off today? What’re those wonderful memories, and the experience of being in love, doing for me today? What? NOTHING…that’s what they do for me. Absolutely nothing! Maybe I would’ve been better off not knowing her at all. Maybe I would’ve been better off not knowing what it feels like to be in love. Because, no matter how hard I try to move on, I always find myself looking back. I’ve tried getting into a new relationship…not once, not twice but five times. And, under normal circumstances, I could’ve got into a long-term relationship with at least two of them. (In fact, my closest friend is certain that I would’ve ended up happily married to one in particular.) They were really nice people but, if I were to paraphrase another favourite singer, I look for her in everyone. I know that’s not right but I find myself comparing everyone to her and, expectedly, they come up short.

The point I’m trying to make here is this…if I hadn’t known her, or what it feels like to love, I might have had a greater chance of getting into relationships. Sure, they might not have been very happy or lasting relationships, but I could’ve lived on in the hope of finding true love. At least, I would’ve had some hope…