Baulked again, naturally!

I haven't posted for so long that it feels like, to quote a line from a lovely song I've been listening to lately, I've been away. Even to me, it feels like I've been gone. But, I haven't. I was supposed to have been in Bombay already but, as usual, there's been a hitch. And, judging by how things have unfolded, I'm now unlikely to leave for another two weeks or so. And, that is very annoying.

I think I need a punching bag. Does anyone want to volunteer? Fancy being punched and beaten black and blue? Or, throttled? Mail me.

We were due to start work on our horribly delayed TV series around this time but, once again, we've run into some problem, which, if I weren't so hopping mad, I'd probably be laughing at. But, trouble is, in this state of mind, it's hard to appreciate the humour in any situation, least of all in one that's driving you crazy.

After the series was approved, we were told that the project would take three months to take off. That, we shouldn't get impatient or discouraged because their commissioning process is unusually long and tedious. We didn't mind because, truth be told, I can't think of too many projects that have come to us as easily as this one. Besides, the TV channel is bloody big, bloody good and bloody prestigious. It is a hugely respected name all over the world, highly watched and greatly admired. So, feeling pretty chuffed that we'd soon be doing a show for one of the best TV channels in the world, we didn't mind the three-month waiting period one bit. But three has now gone to nine months and we're still waiting!

The MD of the TV channel is out of town and, would you believe it, we have to wait for him to return so that he can sign our cheque! Is this how a professional organisation is supposed to function? Like my friend and work partner said, what happens when they have to pay the rent? What happens when other cheques need to be signed? Do they wait for the boss man to return? Does the office stop functioning when he is away? The funny thing is that the contract was formally signed over two weeks ago. Couldn't they get the silly cheque signed during this time? So much for being a global leader in the television business!

What is making me so mad is not that we've been baulked again. Not at all. Because being baulked is not alien to me. In fact, I'm the king of Been Baulked! If things seem to be working out smoothly for me, whether in my personal or professional life, I immediately start to suspect a conspiracy and/or mala fide intent. Because I always get baulked.

So, that's not what this is about. Like I was telling my friend, in the last few months, because of this project, it's like everything else has been put on the Pause mode. It's like I'm waiting for my life to start again. And, I'm afraid, all this unnecessary delay may have already robbed me of all the joy of working on the project...when it finally gets underway. Besides, what I'm feeling these days is exactly how I feel before a trip...all fidgety and restless. Especially if the trip is to Bombay. The last few days before a trip are the hardest for me to pass.

Anyway, there isn't much that I can do about this except wait. I can't beat myself up over this delay, I know. So, will someone else volunteer to be beaten? Please?

This is Absurd!

While re-reading The Myth of Sisyphus today, I came across a line that I clearly don't remember from the first time over. Of course, this is not to say that I remember everything else but this seems too good to have missed. Or, at least, not to have remembered. It is mentioned in the context of what is known as Don Juanism: Why should it be essential to love rarely in order to love much. Hmm...

In modern psychiatry, the term Don Juanism, named after the literary character Don Juan, refers to a disorder. An allusion to the many conquests of Don Juan, the term is indicative of a heightened appetite for sex. With multiple partners. Although he doesn't say so, the general drift of Albert Camus' argument would suggest that the term does not do justice to Don Juan because he is not your ordinary philanderer. Unlike others of his ilk, his exploits are complete in themselves and are not meant to be the stepping stones to more permanent and fruitful associations. Unlike them, he is not looking or searching. For him, the journey is all. He is not trying to get anywhere, if you know what I mean. For him, it is the experience of doing what he does that is fulfilling in itself. He is only interested in the here and now. Unlike others, he is able to recognise that the fruits of his labour, in a manner of speaking, and anything else that might follow as a result of his efforts, are largely meaningless. As, indeed, is life itself.

To return to the statement in the book, it's curious, to say the least. Because, even if one were to take it literally, logically, it amounts to spreading yourself thin, doesn't it? And, moreover, it sounds defensive. So, I did a Google search and found that it makes perfect sense...Camus was himself a Don Juan-like figure and, even while he was married, he was engaged in multiple relationships. Some at the same time. So, was it guilt that led him to project such lofty attributes to the fictional character's escapades? I don't know.

But, what I do know is that, as usual, I have digressed. I didn't mean to start writing about either Don Juan or Don Juanism. I wanted to take that statement I have quoted above and twist it around. And, maybe, go off on a tangent...in a stream of consciousness, so to speak.

Now, have you ever wondered how, and why, some people are able to fall in love over and over? I have. Wondered, I mean. Some people feel it coming on strong soon after their break-up and, literally, hop from relationship to another. Others take a bit longer to get over their separation but, sure as the night follows the day, they find their cup brimming over with the said emotion, waiting only for a suitable candidate to pour it on. Then, there are others who can't get past the first one, even though there is nothing to hang on to and the relationship has long since broken. So, does this mean that some people have more of the emotion? An abundance, spilling over? Or, do they, even if it's at the subliminal level, unbeknownst to themselves, keep on moving from one to the other, somewhat like Don Juan, in search of that real thing? In which case, does it mean that all those that have gone by weren't real? If they weren't real, why did they feel as though they were? And, does it also mean that if it breaks up, it wasn't real? By inference then, because they're unable to move on, do some people have too little or not nearly enough of the emotion?

Hmm, questions, questions! I might as well have called this post DUI, Done Under the Influence, because, let's admit it, it does read as though I've written it while experimenting with certain banned items that the other Don Juan, from Carlos Castaneda, might have enjoyed a taste of. :-) Well, like I've already said, I'll just flatter myself and call it my stream of consciousness moment.

Tough call

Kabir and his wife Tara, both in their early forties, run a modest publishing business. They have two teenaged children, Maya (15) and Rehan (13). Their lives were disrupted one day when, following Maya’s deteriorating health and subsequent tests, they discovered that their daughter is terminally ill. According to the doctor, unless Maya receives a bone marrow transplant, she will not live for very long. When compelled to specify, the doctor reluctantly revealed that their daughter may only have as little as five years. Understandably, it was a terrible blow for them but the husband and wife put up a brave front and decided to immediately undergo the test that the doctor had ordered. There was every chance that their bone marrow, or at least the marrow from one of them, would match that of Maya’s. Unfortunately, it didn’t. But Kabir and Tara continued to feel optimistic because, as the doctor had told them, the best hope for Maya lay in a transplant from her sibling. But, as luck would have it, the marrow of her only brother Rehan also proved incompatible. This is when panic started to grip the husband and wife and they began to lose hope. On the advice of a few close friends and doctors, they started a search for a donor whose marrow would be a close match for Maya's. The search, surrounded by much poignant and supportive publicity, failed.

It was while she was playing the entire nightmare in her head one day that Tara remembered what the doctor had said: the best hope for Maya lay in a transplant from her sibling. She was suddenly seized by an idea, which she promptly revealed to her husband: they should have another child! Shocked at the suggestion, at first, Kabir dismissed it as a crazy idea and was reluctant to even consider it seriously. But, given the seriousness of their situation, he was quick to sense that this may be the only real chance that their daughter might have. He agreed to the brave, almost surreal gamble. Although the odds were stacked against them, Tara got pregnant at the age of 43. It was only after she got pregnant that doubts began to creep into Tara and Kabir's minds. What if the baby's marrow also proves to be unsuitable? After all, chances were only 1 in 5 that the unborn baby's marrow would match that of Maya's. Plagued by doubt and uncertainty, they decided to undergo a pre-natal test to determine the suitability of the baby's marrow. To their utter shock and disbelief, the test revealed that their worst fears had come true. The baby’s marrow was also incompatible with Maya's bone marrow!

They are shattered and unable to decide what to do. Should they opt for termination of pregnancy and try again immediately? Or, should Tara give birth to the baby anyway and try again after a year or so? It is an agonising decision for them and the opinion between husband and wife is divided. What should they do? What would be the right thing to do?

Their situation prompts a few questions:

• Is it alright to conceive a child for the sole purpose of providing bone marrow for someone else?
• Would it then be alright to breed for the purpose of harvesting other organs?
• Are we not going too far in our quest for cures? Does this not commodify all life and reduce the process of parenthood to that of farming?
• As a parent, shouldn’t one do everything possible to save one’s child?
• Should parents of terminally ill children accept fate and allow the child to die without looking for a remedy?
• Given the huge risks of mental and physical handicap in late conception, is it alright to go ahead and conceive, even if it is to save another life?
• Would the parents be justified in opting for termination of pregnancy in this case?
• Is a life that does not fulfill our needs expendable?
• Does all human life have sanctity? Is it alright to violate the sanctity of one life for the sake of another?

It’s easy to offer opinions, advice and suggestions from the outside. From the luxury of that position, no problem seems big enough to handle and solutions come rather easily. Sure, being on the outside also affords us an objective overview of the problem at hand and, as a result, allows us to offer the most practical solution under the circumstances. But because we’re on the outside, we’re unable to see why the most obvious solution hasn’t occurred to those who are directly involved. And, so, sometimes, we sit in judgement and criticise them and the decision/s they have taken. We forget that, in their position and faced with their circumstances, we’re likely to be as clueless and just as likely to take the same decisions.

To tweak something I read a long time ago, it’s impossible to truly appreciate someone’s circumstances unless you step in their shoes and walk about in them. Having said that, it’s never easy to put yourself into hypothetical situations, especially if they’re as difficult as the one described above. It isn’t easy because even though you may be able to imagine yourself facing difficult circumstances, it isn’t always possible to imagine the real pressures and compulsions that come with those circumstances.

I’m not married and I don’t have kids but I’ve been through two difficult medical situations at home. So, I think I know what I would do if I ever found myself in Kabir’s shoes. Faced with such a problem, I think I know what my response would be. In Kabir’s shoes, I know, I wouldn’t have opted to have another child in the first place. Would you?