Thoughts and other trivia...

Life...

2012-01-27T21:02:00.003+05:30

It’s been one of those days. One of those slightly strange ones...up and then down.

First came a message from a friend in the morning that, finally, she’d found a job she could move to. She’s been looking for a long time and wasn’t particularly happy with either the one she currently has or the ones that were being offered to her along the way. It’s terrible when you start feeling like you’re stuck, whether in a job or a relationship. So, naturally, she was thrilled to bits when this one came by and I was extremely happy for her. I hope - no, I’m sure - it’ll lead to even better things for her. So, that was a happy start and I was, generally, feeling good.

A little later, I got a call from a friend, who’d just finished a tour of a playschool near her house. She’s been looking for one for her little daughter. While talking, she started crying because she couldn’t bear the thought of her girl being put through the grind already. Among other things, she didn’t like it that such small kids were being made to stand and recite the alphabet when, clearly, it’s not time for them yet. She doesn’t want her small daughter to go through this nonsense but, at the same time, fears that if she doesn’t follow the rest, her daughter may fall behind. As she was sitting in her car and sobbing, I heard the little girl ask her why she was crying and it just felt so horrible! My friend sent me a text message later in the afternoon, apologising for "acting like a baby" but, really, who can blame her?

A few minutes ago, another friend called. After a year of tests and uncertainty and speculation, finally, her mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. The thought of losing one’s cognitive powers is scary and, obviously, my friend and her family are going through a very difficult time. I’ve met her mother a couple of times and I always think of her as a lovely, likable woman, who has this very mischievous look about her. To now think of her as quiet, withdrawn, forgetful and reclusive, as she’s been for a while, is strange.

It’s really been an odd day.

Everyman

2012-01-17T23:25:00.004+05:30

Each one of us has a different definition of who or what a hero is. Like most people, I’ve also greatly liked and looked up to sportspersons and actors and musicians and writers, etc. And, still do. But, for the longest time, the people I’ve admired most are those who have to deal with adversity. Just ordinary, everyday people who are, maybe, battling a difficult disease, either their own or of someone close to them, or who may be parents of mentally challenged children and suchlike.

I don’t think I knew it then but, from childhood, I’ve had the deepest admiration for such people. People who go about quietly doing whatever it is they need to do under very difficult personal circumstances.

From childhood, I’ve seen my share of problems and trouble. Stuff that kids shouldn’t have to deal with or be around. So, I know how difficult things can be. I know what it means to be in a fight. But, I’ve always found myself frustratingly incapable of doing better than I was able to do. And, so, I guess it’s only natural that I should admire those who do this every day of their lives. And, they do it with the quiet dignity and grace that I can barely hope to put together in difficult situations.

Anyway, to move on to something completely unrelated, finally, the bonfire of inanities was lit. Why it took so long is hard to say but it did bring to mind the Don McLean song: Andrew McCrew must have lost his way/’Cos though he died long ago/ He was buried today. Now, on to item 2 on the Distraction Agenda, the Jaipur Lit Fest. But, because # 3, Goa, is not going to work out, the search for the next one continues...

Useless!

2012-01-11T15:01:00.003+05:30

“So, why is it that a person like you hasn’t still found Mrs Wonderful?” asked this American lady, who was part of a group of sixteen I was at dinner with in Vizag a couple of days ago. She’s been in India for over fifteen years and runs an animal shelter with her husband and daughter. “Because, I guess, I’m not wonderful enough,” I said and she burst out laughing. This was one of the many incidents that has been, to my mind, leading up to a sort of realisation over the last few days. If I were the dramatic type, I may have even called it an epiphany! But, I’m not and it wasn’t.

Got back yesterday after a hectic four days in Vizag, where we visited the local SPCA and a sprawling organic farm-cum-animal shelter that’s being developed a little distance away from the city. I was very impressed with how well they’ve maintained the SPCA and with how well the animals are looked after there. Among other things, we also visited a school for the speech and hearing impaired and mentally challenged children. Seeing so many kids, especially those who were mentally challenged, just completely broke my heart. I have no recollection of what happened in the first few minutes after we were made to sit down for the show they had prepared for us. But, I do remember hoping that no one would be watching me at the time. I do remember that I completely avoided looking up.

I know how tough and difficult life is and how cruel the world can be. Some of them will continue with their education and learn greater skills to support themselves and to deal with life. A lot of them, however, will not be as lucky and will struggle. My heart goes out to the parents, who have to deal with this every minute of their lives. I felt such great admiration for the teachers there, who, bar none, seemed so committed and sincere.

Our trip to Vizag was, actually, at the invitation of this completely amazing, unassuming and humble man, an Australian of Anglo-Indian origin, who supports over five hundred animal welfare programmes around the world. Over five hundred projects! All paid for and financed through his personal wealth, which, like Bill Gates, he and his wife have sworn to give away during their lifetime. After dinner one night, when there were just four or five of us left, this man said he would run out of all his money in just a few years. “And, then you’ll have to build a room for me and T at the farm,” he told the man who’s in charge here. I felt so, so bad for him then. Incidentally, his wife, T, is equally wonderful.

The man is also supporting the school for speech and hearing impaired and mentally challenged children we visited.

It was later on the same evening that the American lady sat next to me and inquired about Mrs Wonderful. Continuing with the subject of marriages, she told me that the man who’d brought us to Vizag had absolutely no money when he married his current wife. She also told me about her own marriage – first for her, third for her husband – to a man who is 70 to her 51 years and with whom she has a teenaged daughter. “He’s like a small child many times,” she said of her husband, who was sitting at the far end of the three tables that had been joined for us to all sit together.

When I went back to my room that night, I wasn’t surprised that T had married P even though he had no money because, really, money has never been such a big deal for me. But, I did wonder about the people I know and how many of them would marry someone with no money. And, the answer was a surprise! Of all the people I’ve ever known, I could think of just three such people...maybe just two, actually. I guess a lot more people have sense in the world than one gives them credit for, eh? :-)

Talking about sense, I’m afraid not much is doing that these days. But, then, one lives in hope...no matter how small it may be. Anyway, up next on the agenda for the month...the bonfire! After that, the Jaipur Lit Fest and then Goa...

May Your Moon Never Hang Low

2011-12-30T18:34:00.003+05:30

There I was, all resolute and prepped-up to be more spontaneous about stuff. I got egg on my face for it just recently but, nevertheless, I was determined that it wouldn’t stop me...not with other people, at least. And, here I am now, completely unable to act on the resolution.

I’ve just found out something about someone I used to know a very long time ago. She’s a lovely, lovely person, always ready with a big, winsome smile. She belongs to the category of people I can like instantly. The kind that, according to me, have goodness written all over them. And, I used to really like her.

I’ve just found out that she has cancer and that it’s not looking good. I’d like to be able to reach out and be supportive, to help in any way I can, but I don’t think I will. I can’t! Because it’s never as simple, is it? There’re these damned complications, the protocols...arrgh!

I really, really wish it works out for you, C. Hope you get well and spread a lot more sunshine! For whatever it’s worth, my best and sincerest wishes are with you.

And, for whatever it’s worth, I wish for lasting happiness, good health and greatest peace in the new year, and forever, to those I hold close. Glad tidings and the very best.

The End?

2011-12-27T08:40:00.003+05:30

Off to the studio with what I think is a decent-ish ending...something that’s been eluding me for days!

If only I could work out other things in life like this! :-)

A Christmas Carol

2011-12-25T23:20:00.001+05:30

Just got back from the studio and can’t help but think that this project is a bit like life, when you can see things go to pieces in front of you but you can’t do anything to fix it. It’s like the BD life, actually, a bit up and then plenty down. Anyway...

What the Dickens!

2011-12-24T11:23:00.005+05:30

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us...

I was looking up something for work this morning when, accidentally, I rediscovered these lines. My first thought was that, as much as it’s from A Tale of Two Cities, it also holds up as a pretty good description of bi-polarity. I’m surprised I didn’t think of this before! Anyway, so, I looked it up on a hunch and, right enough, he is also suspected to have had it! :-)

Solita Sin Soledad

2011-12-22T20:06:00.001+05:30

The woman in red just breaks my heart...

Not A Suitable Boy

2011-12-19T12:16:00.003+05:30

I was standing in the courtyard last week, talking on the phone. A lady who was passing by saw me and stopped. She did make as though she’d stopped to talk to me but I couldn’t be sure because, although I’ve seen her around for years, we’ve never spoken to each other. But, it was pretty obvious she wanted to have a word. So, I told the person I was talking to that I would call back and hung up. “Are you interested in alliance?” she asked, as soon as I’d nodded tentatively in greeting. “Oh god,” I thought. “She’s selling insurance!” But, as it turned out, Allianz, the insurance company, was barely on her mind. “Matrimonial alliance,” she said helpfully because the incomprehension must have shown on my face. Er, what? She asked if I’d be interested in meeting her friend’s daughter, an interior designer and, apparently, a very nice person. To say that I was taken aback would be an understatement.

I’m hardly the eligible bachelor and, as far as the marriage market goes, not nearly a good catch. Yet, oddly, this is the third time in the last year that someone from my neighbourhood has asked. Baffling, actually.

Although I told her that this way won’t work for me, she asked me to think about it and left. And, that was that...or, so I thought.

And, as always, I was wrong! She came over a few minutes ago to ask if I’d given the whole thing a thought. Here I am, tearing my hair out in this raging frustration because absolutely nothing is going right with this project I’m working on and there she is asking if I’d like to meet the ‘girl’. Just as I’m starting to see why my cameraman thinks I’m jinxed, she comes in and shows me the woman’s photograph and asks me to meet her before taking any decision.

The old lady is sweet and means well, I know, but I’m really surprised. Obviously, the rules of the game have changed!

Tweeter & the Monkey Man

2011-12-17T10:17:00.002+05:30

"Read your tweets," said the message. "What happened?"

With a grand total of three tweets, none of which is original, I’m barely on Twitter. Anyway...

Usually, you can tell genuine concern from idle curiosity. Recently, someone I haven’t heard from in over twenty years got back in touch on FB and I don’t mind answering his “probing questions”, as he calls them, because I know he’s only eager to catch up. And, this person, with whom there’s been no contact for the longest time, looks me up on Twitter and uses a tweet to inquire about my well being. Really?

Sometimes, a tweet's just a tweet, twit! Of course, sometimes it’s not. But, what mine is you’ll never know, will you?

Once there was a river

2011-12-15T09:43:00.001+05:30

I was talking to my niece yesterday. She was making fun of what I like to call my exit plan. From there, the conversation drifted to other things and then on to taxes. I told her how my CA's been after me to get life insurance, which I haven’t had for a while. Everyone should have an insurance policy, he’d said. And, besides, it will also help to save tax. But, why do you need life insurance, she asked. Er, why not? Because there are other ways to save tax, she said. Besides, whom do you want the policy for anyway? Er...

Blog to Remember

2011-12-11T22:31:00.002+05:30

“I don’t know why you even bother,” someone said to me on FB recently. “Why do you bother with the blog when no one even visits?”

It’s true because, although I continue to post here, I haven’t been blogging in the real sense of the term for a while. With the exception of one blog that I still follow, I don’t visit any other blog now and, barring an occasional visitor, usually a stranger, no one drops by here either. But, that’s quite alright with me. Oddly, however, I’m putting up posts far more frequently now than I ever did when I was blogging actively!

Back then, there were dozens of posts, many of them only half-written, that I had saved off-line. And, when I lost some of my data recently, I lost all those posts and half-posts as well, which was very annoying because writing helps to remember, and connect with, stuff. These posts, and now the songs, help to remind me of what I may have been thinking or feeling at a particular time. Not all of it is good and not all of it is positive but I still want to remember it all.

So, that’s it...I think now I just blog to remember! And, who knows, there may just be a Proustian memory in there as well!

The Haunting

2011-12-09T21:23:00.002+05:30

There's a danger in wanting too much...

Bad Company

2011-12-04T12:43:00.010+05:30

Of the eleven people at dinner yesterday, I was the only unattached party. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the lot, among whom two are good friends, two nodding acquaintances and the rest complete strangers, ganged-up against me.

After many drinks were had, things took an ugly turn when someone had this sudden bright idea that we should all sing. It’s hard enough to keep a straight face when some really drunk people start to dish out some really out-of-tune fare but it’s bloody torture when people start demanding that you should sing too. Solo! Requests to be excused failed, as did threats, minor tantrums and diversions. It was as though the very future of the world depended on whether I sang or not. When one of them dropped down on his very cushioned knees to implore me to sing, it became very clear that not singing was not an option.

I must have died a hundred deaths in the 15 painfully nervous seconds that it took me to croak one line.

Arrgh! The indignities one has to suffer in polite company, I tell you!

Within & Without

2011-11-29T19:45:00.004+05:30

This is hardly the time to write a post. My feet are killing me, I’m tired as hell and I’m not sure I can think straight but, I guess, in some ways the best time to write is when your defences are down. (As long as this lovely Karma Avoiding Mantra is playing, I guess they’ll stay down anyway.)

For the second day today, I walked the leather off my shoes again. In addition to all the walking I do here anyway, I walked down to St John in the Wilderness yesterday, which is a little over two kilometres down from Mcleodganj (three and a bit, actually, if you count the walk down from my hotel). The church is in a far worse state now than it was when I was here last and, yet, it had enough for me. I loved the place the last time I was here and I loved it this time. There isn’t very much to it, actually, except, for me, where it is set and the simple stone structure, the burial ground around it, the lovely trees and the general sense of calmness it exudes. I may have had some apprehensions while I was walking down to it but I’m so glad I went. It was definitely worth it.

Later, after the usual couple of hours on the terrace at Nick’s Italian Kitchen Restaurant, where I have lunch and do a little of my work, I spent a good part of the evening at the Temple, where some student-monks were engaged in a class and, perhaps, debating a theological point in that very dramatic manner that is unique to them. Unlike my last visit many years ago, however, I did spin the Prayer Wheels this time...on each of the three occasions I went there.

In the afternoon today, I was wandering around rather aimlessly when, without having planned it, I found myself on a long trek that took me beyond the Bhagsu Nag Temple and beyond the waterfall. I didn’t know where I was heading but kept going anyway, on what turned out to be a steep-ish climb that ended in a rather anti-climactic manner, and abruptly, at Shiva Cafe. In itself, the cafe is pretty ordinary but, when seen as a part of the whole climbing experience and the setting, it was pretty good. I would have regretted not going, as I do not going to Triund, which, a local chai-shop fellow told me, is a “piece of heaven”.

As my time here is done, I’m trying to figure out the trip. A friend, who’s been pestering me about it on mail, says “McL suits you” and that I should keep going back because, she says, it's the first time she’s really heard and felt me sounding so relaxed. (The italics are hers.) I guess, it’s true...partly.

Until I was on the bus to McLeodganj, I wasn’t sure I’d even make the trip because I really can’t remember when I last did something only for myself. Sounds strange even as I say it but it’s true. So, just getting here, in itself, was an achievement for me and that I’ve stayed on for about a week is an even bigger one.

As far as the place is concerned, sure, there’re the hills and there’s the peace and quiet and the trekking trails but, I think, McLeodganj is more than just a place. It’s an experience. And, perhaps, that’s the reason why a majority of Indian tourists who come here are only on a day visit. Because, after all, it was no more than a two-street town when I was last here and it isn’t a fair lot more now.

I have no doubt that I’ll be back soon and, hopefully, stay longer. In fact, I’d love to come back at the end of next month but I don’t know if I will. Just like I didn’t want to go alone on the trek to Triund, which is 11 kilometres one way, I don’t want to come here alone at the peak of winter.

Yeah, it’s been good but I also know that you can do what you want and you can go where you will but if you don’t have it in you, you won’t find it anywhere. Equally, if it’s in you, you can’t run from it.

Run

2011-11-22T22:00:00.003+05:30

It’s been a long time coming but, finally, here I am in McLeodganj!

I was talking to a pleasant Tibetan chap on the bus last night. He did something of a double take when I told him how many years it’s been since I was here last. But, so much has changed, he said.

Much of the morning was spent in my room, working. But, I did have breakfast on the terrace, which had a lovely view of the valley. There was near perfect silence, except for the occasional whistling of a bird. Oh, of course, there was also the occasional sound of Chance pe dance kar le in the distance.

But, I have since walked around so much that, although it was overcast for most part and fairly cold, I was perspiring through the day. And, my legs are hurting. Yes, much has changed. The place seems dirtier. The roads are far worse now, pitted and furrowed. There’re many more hotels and restaurants. The Dhauladhar range, which wasn’t at its lushest the last time, seems almost completely stripped and bare. The Temple area seemed a little ragged too. And, the lovely St. John in the Wilderness, which was closed when our bus pulled in this morning, looked cold, desolate and uninviting. But, in the end, I’m glad I made the trip.

It wasn’t an easy decision to come here because, although I’m partly here to get away from the distractions that were keeping me from work, and I really do have to finish a lot of work, I’m here just as much to find a new distraction!

Poles Apart

2011-11-17T19:27:00.001+05:30

Discovering something about yourself is not nearly as dramatic as one may have imagined this sort of thing to be. What it is, however, is a double-edged sword, liberating on the one hand and overwhelming on the other.

Of the two things that I've only just found out, I must confess, I've been very reluctant to admit the first to myself until now. But, then, it's also something that I can quietly live with and, so, it's alright. I can simply put it down to what is explained away as the second strike in Sonny's take on life and things. The other one, which does seem to explain a lot of things now, however, isn’t something to live quietly with :-)

Although I need to get it all out of my system, I'm not sure I want to talk about either right now. In any case, I’ll talk about the former only over my very dead and unmoving body :-) The latter? I don't feel up to it at the moment but, knowing me, I may just pick up the phone on an impulse tomorrow and talk to someone. But, again, knowing me, I may not. Either way, writing about it is a start, I guess.

I knew I had something in common with VVG!

Wired for It

2011-11-07T13:44:00.004+05:30

Having finished almost the entire shooting for a project I'm working on, and for which we've now clocked over 3,500 kilometers by road, we were on our way back to Delhi from Varanasi yesterday. After yet another unexpected and, I daresay, undeserved setback, my cameraman turned to me and, for the second time in two days, said, "Your luck is really bad!" "Yeah," I said and smiled. "No, seriously...I don't believe in all these things but I think you're jinxed," he said sympathetically. I laughed. "Don't laugh," he said. "You should do something about it," he insisted.

On the previous day in Varanasi, however, for a fleeting few moments, I felt what I thought was pure joy. I was at the Dashaswamedh Ghat, shooting the public aarti (a ritualistic prayer) in the evening. If you haven't seen it before, the performance can be quite spectacular and, understandably, hundreds of people had gathered to watch it, among them dozens of foreigners. Like many of them, and to get a vantage point to shoot from, we hired a boat to get a good view of the spectacle. Thirty minutes into the aarti, by when we had already shot quite a lot of it and it was starting to seem repetitive, I sat down to relax and my attention shifted to those who were there to watch. Picking out people and faces from the crowd, I could see that so many of them were deeply engrossed in the proceedings, clapping and singing along. It seemed as though, even if it was briefly, they had, perhaps, made the connection with whatever or whoever it is they repose their faith in. That they must have felt enriched by the experience, I have no doubt. For some strange reason, just looking at their faces and watching them then made me smile and, I think, happy.

Living in the world we live in, I'm now never quite sure of anything, which is why, I guess, I always feel deeply moved even by little acts of kindness and by moments of simple but unquestionable purity.

I had no stake in the rituals or proceedings and, moreover, religion doesn't do anything for me at all. But, just to watch these people derive so much from the experience, it made me feel what I think was a moment of fleeting but pure joy.

Teach Your Children

2011-11-03T10:27:00.004+05:30

One of the earliest lessons I learned in life was when I was still in school. In Class 7, we got a new Geography teacher, the very stylish Mrs S. On her first day with us, she said something that I, clearly, haven't forgotten to date.

To a twelve-year-old, the pearls of wisdom that burst forth from her gorgeous mouth were a tad scandalous and, for the same reason, it may not be very appropriate to quote her verbatim here. But, to temper her words with a modicum of reserve, the gist of it was: When you're getting screwed, you might as well enjoy it.

I can't honestly claim to have evolved to the enlightened state where I can fully enjoy it. But, I'm working on it. And, in the meantime, yeah, I am getting screwed :-)

As flies to wanton boys...

2011-10-22T10:57:00.002+05:30

God? I guess there is something greater than us that, in ways that we aren't always able to comprehend and grasp, manages the order of things. But, I'm unwilling to ascribe a shape or form to whatever this power be because, to me, that amounts to dragging it down and, somehow, reducing it to our own petty level.

Equally, and, perhaps, contrary to the somewhat foggy belief I've proclaimed above, I'm not quite able to reconcile the existence of such a power, which, by definition, should be comforting and benign, with the reality of the world we live in. Their concurrence, to me, is paradoxical. No, it's a complete contradiction, actually.

Of course, human beings are free agents and, for most part, chart their own course. Of course, our choices make us who we are and lead us where we end up. But, are all of us as well-equipped to deal with life as we ought to be? If god does exist, why is the answer a resounding 'No'? And, especially, if there is a god, why is the fight so unequal for some? We aren't always in complete control of our lives, are we?

Being thrown off the deep end is, to me, just another silly platitude because I can't imagine too many people queuing up to test the theory in real life. Then, why is it that so many of us arrive without the wherewithal to fight the daily battles? We know, and acknowledge, that life is not fair but, even so, the inequities and inequalities in life, especially those brought about by accident of birth, are very hard to accept. Just to be able to have a shot, a mere chance, is all that most would settle for. This isn't asking for much and, yet, there're people who live their entire miserable lives without one.

This is as much existential angst as it is something that, sometimes, keeps me awake at night, as I wonder about someone I know. Sometimes I find myself wishing for a miracle because that's the only way out, I think, for this person and all the others who're similarly and inadequately equipped to fight it out. But, then, if you believe in miracles, by implication, can it be said that you believe in god? On the other hand, if you need miracles to survive, would you want to believe in god?

As flies to wanton boys, are we to the gods.
They kill us for their sport.