Songs of Innocence

Years ago, I remember, we were in my friend’s car when I asked him what he thought Justice Ramaswami’s kids must be going through at the time. Just that morning, we’d heard that an impeachment motion had been initiated against the man. That a Supreme Court judge was in the dock for corruption was shocking but I think I was able to ride over that pretty quickly because my real concern in the case was the man’s children. In their shoes, I know, I would’ve felt devastated. Just to imagine myself in their shoes, with allegations of their father having to face such humiliation, was a horrifying thought.

Today, there’s news about a brawl in Bollywood, between a superstar and a film director. I really don’t care who is right here or who started the fight. My first thought this morning, as I made my coffee in the kitchen, was about their kids. Is this the news they’re going to wake up to? That their fathers were involved in an ungainly, drunken fight? How’re they going to react? What will they be feeling?

I’ve said for long that it must be mandatory to get a parenting license before one can have a child. Just the will and ability to have one doesn’t necessarily imply that one is worthy. Even as their kids watch, parents jump red lights, give and accept bribes and cheat, con and tell lies to get the smallest benefit they can. What message does that send out to the kids? That it’s okay to do anything to get ahead?

For most of us, I think, being a parent means giving the best we can to our kids. The best schools, the greatest vacations, the luxuries and, practically, anything that our money can buy. But, providing is just one small part of it, I think. It’s just as important, if not more, to teach them to be good, responsible citizens. To be sensitive and honest. To be kind. And, the best, and only, way to do that is to be each of these things yourself. To set an example for your kid.

And, what example did the corrupt judge set for his children? What example have these brawling, drunken Bollywood folks set for their kids? What do their kids think, feel and see when they find their parents’ photographs in newspapers for fighting, cheating and for having affairs, etc? Do they grow up thinking this is normal? Or, will they grow up to be dysfunctional misfits with little or no social skills?

I know that I’d rather die a hundred deaths before I’d let my kid see me misbehaving in a drunken fit or be involved in something illegal and corrupt. I’d never be able to live with myself if I couldn’t be a good role model for my kid.

Most people react with indignation and shock when I tell them about my licensing theory. It’s completely undemocratic and radical, I know. But, the world’s a bad enough place and I really believe that many of us aren’t fit to be parents. And, I include myself in this list because I think I’ll be a terrible, terrible role model.

True greatness will elude most of us but - and I’ve always believed this - almost everyone can make a truly great and lasting contribution to society by raising their children well.

Life...

It’s been one of those days. One of those slightly strange ones...up and then down.

First came a message from a friend in the morning that, finally, she’d found a job she could move to. She’s been looking for a long time and wasn’t particularly happy with either the one she currently has or the ones that were being offered to her along the way. It’s terrible when you start feeling like you’re stuck, whether in a job or a relationship. So, naturally, she was thrilled to bits when this one came by and I was extremely happy for her. I hope - no, I’m sure - it’ll lead to even better things for her. So, that was a happy start and I was, generally, feeling good.

A little later, I got a call from a friend, who’d just finished a tour of a playschool near her house. She’s been looking for one for her little daughter. While talking, she started crying because she couldn’t bear the thought of her girl being put through the grind already. Among other things, she didn’t like it that such small kids were being made to stand and recite the alphabet when, clearly, it’s not time for them yet. She doesn’t want her small daughter to go through this nonsense but, at the same time, fears that if she doesn’t follow the rest, her daughter may fall behind. As she was sitting in her car and sobbing, I heard the little girl ask her why she was crying and it just felt so horrible! My friend sent me a text message later in the afternoon, apologising for "acting like a baby" but, really, who can blame her?

A few minutes ago, another friend called. After a year of tests and uncertainty and speculation, finally, her mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. The thought of losing one’s cognitive powers is scary and, obviously, my friend and her family are going through a very difficult time. I’ve met her mother a couple of times and I always think of her as a lovely, likable woman, who has this very mischievous look about her. To now think of her as quiet, withdrawn, forgetful and reclusive, as she’s been for a while, is strange.

It’s really been an odd day.

Everyman

Each one of us has a different definition of who or what a hero is. Like most people, I’ve also greatly liked and looked up to sportspersons and actors and musicians and writers, etc. And, still do. But, for the longest time, the people I’ve admired most are those who have to deal with adversity. Just ordinary, everyday people who are, maybe, battling a difficult disease, either their own or of someone close to them, or who may be parents of mentally challenged children and suchlike.

I don’t think I knew it then but, from childhood, I’ve had the deepest admiration for such people. People who go about quietly doing whatever it is they need to do under very difficult personal circumstances.

From childhood, I’ve seen my share of problems and trouble. Stuff that kids shouldn’t have to deal with or be around. So, I know how difficult things can be. I know what it means to be in a fight. But, I’ve always found myself frustratingly incapable of doing better than I was able to do. And, so, I guess it’s only natural that I should admire those who do this every day of their lives. And, they do it with the quiet dignity and grace that I can barely hope to put together in difficult situations.

Anyway, to move on to something completely unrelated, finally, the bonfire of inanities was lit. Why it took so long is hard to say but it did bring to mind the Don McLean song: Andrew McCrew must have lost his way/’Cos though he died long ago/ He was buried today. Now, on to item 2 on the Distraction Agenda, the Jaipur Lit Fest. But, because # 3, Goa, is not going to work out, the search for the next one continues...

Useless!

“So, why is it that a person like you hasn’t still found Mrs Wonderful?” asked this American lady, who was part of a group of sixteen I was at dinner with in Vizag a couple of days ago. She’s been in India for over fifteen years and runs an animal shelter with her husband and daughter. “Because, I guess, I’m not wonderful enough,” I said and she burst out laughing. This was one of the many incidents that has been, to my mind, leading up to a sort of realisation over the last few days. If I were the dramatic type, I may have even called it an epiphany! But, I’m not and it wasn’t.

Got back yesterday after a hectic four days in Vizag, where we visited the local SPCA and a sprawling organic farm-cum-animal shelter that’s being developed a little distance away from the city. I was very impressed with how well they’ve maintained the SPCA and with how well the animals are looked after there. Among other things, we also visited a school for the speech and hearing impaired and mentally challenged children. Seeing so many kids, especially those who were mentally challenged, just completely broke my heart. I have no recollection of what happened in the first few minutes after we were made to sit down for the show they had prepared for us. But, I do remember hoping that no one would be watching me at the time. I do remember that I completely avoided looking up.

I know how tough and difficult life is and how cruel the world can be. Some of them will continue with their education and learn greater skills to support themselves and to deal with life. A lot of them, however, will not be as lucky and will struggle. My heart goes out to the parents, who have to deal with this every minute of their lives. I felt such great admiration for the teachers there, who, bar none, seemed so committed and sincere.

Our trip to Vizag was, actually, at the invitation of this completely amazing, unassuming and humble man, an Australian of Anglo-Indian origin, who supports over five hundred animal welfare programmes around the world. Over five hundred projects! All paid for and financed through his personal wealth, which, like Bill Gates, he and his wife have sworn to give away during their lifetime. After dinner one night, when there were just four or five of us left, this man said he would run out of all his money in just a few years. “And, then you’ll have to build a room for me and T at the farm,” he told the man who’s in charge here. I felt so, so bad for him then. Incidentally, his wife, T, is equally wonderful.

The man is also supporting the school for speech and hearing impaired and mentally challenged children we visited.

It was later on the same evening that the American lady sat next to me and inquired about Mrs Wonderful. Continuing with the subject of marriages, she told me that the man who’d brought us to Vizag had absolutely no money when he married his current wife. She also told me about her own marriage – first for her, third for her husband – to a man who is 70 to her 51 years and with whom she has a teenaged daughter. “He’s like a small child many times,” she said of her husband, who was sitting at the far end of the three tables that had been joined for us to all sit together.

When I went back to my room that night, I wasn’t surprised that T had married P even though he had no money because, really, money has never been such a big deal for me. But, I did wonder about the people I know and how many of them would marry someone with no money. And, the answer was a surprise! Of all the people I’ve ever known, I could think of just three such people...maybe just two, actually. I guess a lot more people have sense in the world than one gives them credit for, eh? :-)

Talking about sense, I’m afraid not much is doing that these days. But, then, one lives in hope...no matter how small it may be. Anyway, up next on the agenda for the month...the bonfire! After that, the Jaipur Lit Fest and then Goa...